God is faithful still

Friday, October 12th started out like any other day.  I had an appointment at my OB-GYN for a 12 week check-up.  It was just going to be a "heartbeat check."  These appointments are usually quick as they just check to hear the baby's heartbeat and then you pretty much leave.  No ultrasound, etc.  Bert didn't get to go to my last appointment (8 weeks).  The 8 week appointment was actually the more "exciting" appointment of the two.  If I could have chosen one for him to be able to go to, I would have chosen the 8 week in a second because at that one I had an ultrasound, met with the doctor, etc.....it was just a more exciting appointment.  Anyway, he wasn't able to go to the 8 week appointment so we decided that he would come to the 12 week appointment, even though it was just a heartbeat check.  We needed to bring the girls with us so we rushed around Friday morning and got both girls ready to head out the door.  As we were driving I mentioned that we needed to make my next appointment for a little later in the morning.  It was just too much to get out the door by 8:45 when our girls don't wake up until 8 or later.  Bert agreed.:)  

At the doctor's office the girls couldn't have been better if they had tried.  Emily sat quietly in a chair beside me and held her glowworm.  Hannah sat in her umbrella stroller and played with a teething toy.  It was great!  They finally called me back.  Up to this point in the pregnancy I had had NO complications whatsoever.  Everything seemed to be going great.  My nausea had drastically improved about a week earlier (when I was 11 weeks along).  This was a big surprise b/c with both the girls I was very nauseous until 15-16 weeks, but it certainly didn't cause concern.  Lot's of women said their nausea stopped this early in the pregnancy and then some never have nausea at all.  I was honestly just excited and relieved to have a break from the sickness.

The nurse followed us in the room and said she was going to go ahead and do the heartbeat check.  I was surprised b/c at my last doctor's office in Raleigh the doctor always did the heartbeat check, but this was only my second time coming to this doctor's office and I didn't know how they did things, so I was fine with it.  She probably tried to find the baby's heartbeat for almost 5 minutes.  I asked her if there was anything to be concerned about.  She said no, that she hears movement in there, she just can't find the heartbeat.  The whole time she was trying to find the heartbeat I was thinking "WHY is the doctor not doing this?"  I stayed calm and was relieved when she said she would "send the doctor in and let her find it."  She still didn't seem concerned and was convinced she had heard movement in there.  The doctor came in pretty quickly.  She was upbeat and personable.  She didn't chit-chat long, but said "well lets find that heartbeat."  Again I was relieved.  She kept hearing the same sounds the nurse had heard, but the doctor kept saying "that's you, that's you, that's you..."  Apparently, what the nurse thought was the baby moving, the doctor thought was just me.  She probably only tried to find it for a minute or two and then decided to send us back for an ultrasound.

As we walked back to the ultrasound area I waned to panic.  I didn't understand why they couldn't find the heartbeat.  I was trying to convince myself that their heartbeat-monitor-machine-thing was probably not very good.  I had tears in my eyes and probably asked Bert 20 times in 5 minutes if he thought everything was okay.  He always told me yes, although he later told me that he was concerned too, but just trying to keep me calm.  There was a couple in the ultrasound room and one waiting by the door.  We sat across from the other couple waiting in the hall.  They were waiting to find out the sex of their baby.  They were quiet, but looked excited.  The girls were still being good.  Emily was sitting on my lap....I couldn't quit bouncing my leg.  She probably thought we were playing "horsey", but I was really bouncing her b/c I was a nervous wreck.  The couple that was in the ultrasound room came out and the lady came out and said "Stephanie, come on back."  I was surprised b/c the other couple in the hall had been their first, but we walked on in.  I sat down and asked the ultrasound tech if people have to come back here to find the heartbeat sometimes...hoping she would tell me that their heartbeat-monitoring-machine-things are just terrible and people have to do this ALL THE TIME....She didn't do that....she looked at me and gave me a sad smile and said "sometimes."  It was the opposite of reassuring and I jerked my head over to Bert to make sure he had heard her.  He just nodded at me and grabbed my hand.

All the sudden our baby appeared on the screen.  It was absolutely precious.  Relief flooded me for half a second.  I could see my child.  Then, I looked over and asked the lady if she could see/hear a heartbeat.  She kept looking at the screen and just said "not yet."  At that point I lost it. She looked at the screen for another minute and just said "I'm sorry."  I wiped the gel off my tummy with tears streaming down my face.  I honestly couldn't believe it.  Bert was crying too.  I asked the ultrasound tech when the baby died and she said it looks like the baby died at about 11 weeks and 1 day.  At this appointment I was 12 weeks and 2 days.  Our baby hadn't had a heartbeat for over a week and I didn't have a clue.  I had bought a couple new maternity shirts, we had talked about names several times in the last week, and we just didn't know.  As we were getting ready to leave the room the ultrasound tech was printing off pictures of our sweet baby.  I didn't even notice.  Bert walked over to her and asked her if we could have those.  She gave him one and I will forever be thankful that he was there and that he asked.  We will treasure every picture we have of our sweet child.

Can I just stop and say how even in a time like this, our God is overwhelmingly faithful and loving?  I am SO thankful Bert was at this appointment with me.  I needed him there and he needed to be there.  I needed him to hold my hand and he needed to see our baby one last time.  He needed to hear everything the doctor was saying, for him and for me.  God knew this and he made a way.  If Bert had gone to the 8 week appointment I have no doubt he would have just stayed at home with the girls for the 12 week heartbeat check....it just would have been easier than "dragging" the girls to the appointment.   

They led us back to our room.  The doctor didn't come in for a few minutes.  We both cried.  Emily gave us hugs.  Hannah started to fuss....after about an hour she had had enough of the stroller.  Finally the doctor came in and told us that b/c of how far along the baby was that she strongly recommended me having a D&C.  The doctor also said that from the ultrasound it looks like the baby may have had something called Cystic Hygroma, but it's hard to know for sure.  She explained that during the D&C they would totally put me to sleep and that I wouldn't even be breathing on my own during the surgery.  The surgery was scheduled for the next morning (Saturday, October 13th) and we were supposed to be at the hospital (Greenville Memorial) at 6:30am.

Our church family has loved on us so well through it all.  One lady from our church brought a bag full of food only hours after we got the news.  Another young lady brought by a beautiful flower arrangement and candy for Emily (which Emily may or may not have had the opportunity to eat:) ).  Both of these sweet ladies were weeping with us.  We really enjoyed the food, and we're still enjoying the flowers, but it also meant so much that they loved us and loved our sweet baby enough that they would cry along with us.

The next morning came too quickly and too slowly at the same time.  Another lady from our church came to our house at 5:50am (with her two kids) so that my mom could go to the hospital with Bert and me.  So sweet and thoughtful and they were all three happy to do it.  It felt so wrong that we were leaving for the hospital to remove our baby from my womb.  My womb is supposed to be a place of life, but there was no life there, and it just felt sad and wrong.  When we got to the hospital we were greeted by even more church members who just wanted to love on us.  Our pastor and five others came to the hospital at 6:30 am just to sit with Bert during my surgery and pray with us before I went back.  I can't tell you what an encouragement it was to us to be surrounded by such love.

The D&C itself went smoothly (also an answer to prayer).  The nurses, doctors, and anesthesiologist were all kind and caring.  They bumped me up ahead of a scheduled C-section so that I could get home as soon as possible.  Before we got back home, Katherine, Brett and Jacob had arrived.  They had come over to help with the kids for a little while and to hug our necks.  Later in the afternoon more food arrived from several people in the church.  It has been so nice to not even have to think about meals for several days now.  We really are so thankful.

Our sweet baby is with Jesus now.  We loved that little one so much.  We were so excited about our three children growing up so close in age.  Every time  you asked Emily if we were going to have a boy or a girl she would say "BOY" without hesitation.  If you then asked her what we should name the little boy she would say "BINGO!"....every time.  We were so excited about naming the sweet little one.  We had narrowed the names down to one or two (Bingo was not one of them!).  The night before we went to the doctor we had been talking about how they all three would be in high school at the same time.  On the way to the doctors office we had decided that we would definitely pay the extra $75 and find out if the baby were a boy or a girl at 16 weeks instead of waiting until 20 weeks.  We were just so excited!  There have been lots and lots of tears over the last few days.  I haven't been sleeping very well.  I just keep thinking about everything and playing it over in my mind.  Bert has been a rock.  He has loved me like no one else could.  He has prayed with me, stayed up crazy late with me so that I was really tired before I started trying to fall asleep, he was more than loving and patient when I woke him up at 2:15 one night telling him I couldn't sleep, but more than anything he's just been here.  He's been by my side.  I love him.

I'm so thankful that God allowed Bert and me to be "Mommy and Daddy" to this sweet little one.  We loved this sweet child with every fiber of our being from the first minute we found out it was growing inside of me.  Knowing what we know now, I wouldn't trade one minute of the nausea or one middle of the night trip to the potty or any of the other first trimester symptoms.....I am so thankful for every day the Lord let this sweet baby be with us.  We will treasure those days, and we will never forget.

Our sweet little baby, one day we'll get to hold you close and tell you how much we love you.  You are wonderfully and perfectly made by your Creator.  You are perfect in every way.  You have two big sisters who will miss having you around, but I pray that one day you'll meet them too.  You are a precious gift from the Lord.  We love you with all our hearts!  Love, Mommy and Daddy